The journey into kink is a fraught one for most people. We live in environments and cultures that want sex and relationships to look a certain way, for whatever reason. Whether it is hedonistic or conservative, who we are and the desires we feel can sometimes mis-match completely.
On a human level, introspectionally, we might question “What is wrong with me?” Because we are/feel shamed for our thoughts and feelings, which may contradict society’s expectations for us. Through our teens and 20s we try to fit in but rebel in defiance of injustices we see. Part of being human is to question everything. Part of some cultures is to silence those questions. We may decide to carry this struggle throughout our lives and forge our own paths based on the values we hold.
Life is complicated. People are complicated. We need to find meaning in what we do. We have working lives, social lives, love lives, and family lives to navigate. As humans, we need some sort of connection to others, so we join kink sites and go to events if we feel brave enough.
Though, a decade later of this journey, I’m reflecting on what it means to me now. I took two years of discovering kink to accept who I am and my preferences. I joined the community fairly clued up on abuse in relationships and how to safeguard spaces. So, a lot of my work has been to bring that knowledge to you all, so that no one has to suffer unnecessarily.
But abuse still happens. There are abusive people who join our scenes as a cover for the harm they intentionally want to cause. And when we push back, we are gaslit into asking ourselves “what is wrong with me?” The once accepting community is now a place where shame and guilt and self-blame still thrives. Speaking out has left me vilified and trolled, to the point that I take much needed breaks from social media.
I think it’s actually very healthy to question ourselves from time to time. We should never assume we have all the answers and will never make a mistake. What’s far more important is to take time to reflect and to act on our mistakes and do better.
In essence, it’s not that there is anything intrinsically wrong with us. It’s more a question of recognising when we cause harm and how to best learn and promote healing. We need time and space to reflect on our own values and how and where we want to spend our time and energy. And also allowing space to celebrate who we are and find like-minded people to feel at home with. That’s the ideal, isn’t it.
Dea Nexa