I have a ban list for my events, but it is not public. On the list are people that we, as a team, know have a history of abuse and harassment. All of us have been working in our community for a while and are respected, so people feel comfortable to disclose to us what they have experienced. When I was a Dungeon Monitor, the same names would come up, though that event doesn’t ban such dangerous individuals, so I left. If we don’t ban, we are letting known abusers prey. I would never want that on my conscience.
When we meet someone we feel a connection with, the most sensible thing to do is take at least several months of getting to know them before negotiating any play. Safe players never rush things. People are always attractive in the first couple of months, as we view them with rose tinted glasses, something to do with human biochemistry.
Some event hosts share information with other hosts, in a way to keep their eye on who might be causing trouble on the scene. This is very useful, especially if they have a criminal conviction. Though, I know of abusers running events and sharing such information. So, can that information ever be be completely trusted?
We have to be realistic. Abusers try to access our spaces all the time, can look legitimate to people running events, and after a while, decide to run events themselves. After a while they have access to the information sharing networks. The network would back them up if allegations arise, which they inevitably will, and so the victim(s) is silenced. This problem is so wide spread in many countries, that we can’t ignore the fact that no event is ever 100% safe and no ban list can ever be relied upon. How can it be?
I know my ban list has its limits. It only has the information of people we know are abusive. It reflects our understanding of consent and healthy relationships. Not all event hosts regularly go to classes to keep up to date on these fundamental matters, which is why they are the cornerstone of my classes. Attendees should make themselves aware of the understanding of safety related policies of events, I’d strongly recommend.
Abusers have accessed my events, ones I don’t know about yet. They like to look legitimate by saying they go to reputable venues and talk the talk. Behind closed doors they are very different. Even at events they will use peer pressure to keep their victim silent, because the trauma response of most people is to fawn or freeze. These are responses we can’t control.
I’m of the opinion that information of abusers being shared must be done with very careful consideration. We may be sued for liable or defamation. We may not know the full picture and be very wrong in our assessment. We are not perfect, and if we ever think we are so wise and have a clear idea of what’s going on, then you are kidding yourself. I’d call that a red flag, wouldn’t you?
Dea Nexa
This writing is not a criticism of any individual or organisation. I’m sharing my understanding of what I see happening in many areas and my professional experience of safeguarding vulnerable people.