Perhaps it’s because I’m in my 50s, or maybe it’s my chronic health conditions and disability, or the changes in the political arena, but I have felt a huge shift in myself in the last year. The hedonism of my 40’s has passed. My body’s changes invites new perspectives and needs. I no longer want drama around me if I can help it, nor to misuse my valuable resources: time, energy, attention. My exploration is taking a new turn….
Nothing in life is certain, no matter how much we want it to be. People change. Situations change. I have been exploring kink and the many strands of rope play for over a decade, though kinky my whole life. It has been a ride, ups and downs, beautiful moments of bliss and unexpected times of struggle. I have loved and been loved. I have been disappointed and I have been hated. I have been welcomed and I have been rejected. And through it all, I have grown.
I like to think I’m very intentional and authentic in what I do. Frivolity has never fitted me. I have tried to be kind and I have asserted my boundaries when necessary. And now, it has come to a point where my circle of friends is very small, and my religion means far more to me than ever before.
On the television, I saw a mother crying because her daughter with the same name as me had just been murdered in Gaza. I saw a destitute grandmother with her only surviving grandchild praising God that she was oppressed not the oppressor. This is a prayer that we are taught to know, but one that had the deepest meaning to her. And in that single moment, everything changed in me. The/my truth became clear.
Life is fleeting. We all find spirituality in different ways. Or pursue this life’s pleasures. Or both. I love kinky things. But I have spent quite some months figuring out where my new boundaries are now and with whom. I am extremely grateful to my partners for their patience and understanding.
My relationship with God is the most important to me. I plan to keep it that way. I do not know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in 2025, but I guarantee it will be, as always, intentional, authentic and right for me. I recommend that, wherever you are on your journey, you do the same.
May peace be with you.
Dea Nexa
Image: self suspension from a hip harness using aerial straps for an upline and climbing strap for the attachment, by Dea Nexa. Photo by Dea Nexa.